as it happens...

it's been a while

2009-11-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

both since i've blogged on here, and also since i've felt this way.
things really couldn't be better...except things are falling apart.
you know that feeling?
the "so much it hurts" feeling?
i'm so there.

so don't cut any deeper than you already have.
it's killing me.

lately (EMBER MCBEASLEY READ THIS.)

2009-08-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

things have been really good.
and i haven't said that in a while.
like, it seems to me that everything is working out just like i thought it would.
it's amazing, but true!
and i hate it that part of my happiness is due to someone else being disappointed...
but it's out of my control.
take that however it sounds, but you'd really have to know the situation.
otherwise,
i really couldn't be happier.
plus, i got the cutest text last night...
it said, "you smell like flowers."
it made me giggle. :)
anywayyyy, classes are good, i had to drop one...
but that's because i don't want to fail biology.
i hope to tranfer to johnson bible college and to do so i need to bump up my gpa.
YIKES.
in other news, i got in a wreck the other day.
it was legit terrifying, but i'm ok...just cuts and bruises.
the end.

alsoo, going to see inglorious basterds tonight! STOKED.
PLUS i have to say something to ember mcbeasley.
i know i texted you like a week ago and told you we were going to hang out
and i never followed through.
i'm sooo sorry!
like seriously you're one of my best friends,
and i always want to have you around!
like you seriously get me. :)
i proooomise that we will hang out this week.
LOVE YOU MCBEASLEY.

and this really is the end.
so the end.

LOVE

2009-08-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

is a fast song [copeland]
wins [rob bell]
is not a mystery, it's everything [common]
burns brighter than sunshine [aqualung]
is for the first time [dashboard confessional]

"So this is strange,
Our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
Where nobody leads at all,
Where nobody leads at all."

i guess i just have to believe.

i am so

2009-06-29T13:23:00.001-07:00

glad this whole thing is over.
i want my bff back.
and for YOU to stay far, far away.
kthanks.

....

2009-06-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

seriously.

2009-06-24T13:21:00.001-07:00

gag me.
i'm two seconds away from being out for good.

confessions part 2

2009-05-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

1. i am now a huge orlando fan, and dwight howard is my hero.
2. i'm changing my major to spite my advisor
3. i haven't slept before midnight in 3 weeks
4. i don't know if all this is worth it. i'm playing for keeps.

an excerpt from what i've been doing at night for the past 2 weeks.

2009-05-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

(i've started writing a "novel" of sorts, which seems more like glorified journal entries about my life's "list", or all the things that have made me. here's #8, life goal #1, which should be read while listening to albertine by brooke fraser.)

#8 on my list/Life Goal #1/Brooke Fraser-Albertine
I’ve never ever wanted to be a teacher. I settled on it because it was the closest thing I could find to being a youth pastor. God has given me a heart, and I believe that He wants me to give it to high school students. I frequently visit my sister in school so I can socialize with high school kids. During my brief time in Young Life, I literally could not be happier. I loved going to musicals, soccer games, art exhibits, all in hopes that I could pour myself into one or two girls the way my mentor had done for me in high school. (she’s on the list too, but closer to #1, you’ll learn more about her later) I managed to connect with a few girls, some while I was still in high school, and a few afterwards. I know playing favorites is sinful, but my favorites were Rachel, Lisa, Michelle, and my sisters friends Caitlin, Jordan, and Anna. Rachel was this amazingly hip indie girl who is the most amazing girl I’ve met thus far in my life. By age 17, she had a belly ring, an industrial, and size 00 gauges. She had a great haircut. More than anything, she loved God, and she could care less about anything else. To her, anything else was irrelevant. She loved Gossip Girl, lavender ice cream, and cigarettes after sunset. She was my ministry for a while. While I was getting to know Rachel, Lisa came into my life. Lisa was awesome. She loved LOVED Chuck Klosterman, Manchester Orchestra, and bubble tea. She was everything I wish I would have been at her age. She knew what she wanted out of life, and she cut through all the crap everyone threw at her. She was smart, funny, and love was her religion. And then there was the girl I had known the longest, Michelle. Michelle was amazing, and was one of my first close friends in high school. Even though she was a year younger than me, I felt like we clicked the most.

All of my sisters’ friend will have their own chapter. All you need to know is they were great.

When I found out I wouldn’t be able to become a Young Life leader, I began volunteering at the Blitz junior high ministry at my church. At first I just made smoothies, then I began to lead a small group of amazing 7th grade girls. They certainly kept me in line, and I did the same for them. This is where I realized that I would be happy wherever I was as long as I was with kids at church. It could be anywhere. One night, I had a dream I was in Africa, and I woke up and changed my major. It wasn’t a drastic change, history to political science, but my end goal was to be a missionary. I love God so much, and I want to love people just as much. One of my favorite worship songs illustrates this perfectly. It went, “Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love as You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your kingdoms cause.”
Another song that totally goes there was written by an Aussie named Brooke Fraser, who also sang the aforementioned worship song. She penned “Albertine” after mission work. My favorite line goes like this: “Now that I have seen, I am responsible, faith without deeds is dead.” That’s it, in it’s most basic form. I’m thinking of just getting that printed on a business card along with my name and twitter url. I mean, all of the most vital information about my existence would literally be on one card. How convenient, right?

confessions part one

2009-05-29T22:58:00.000-07:00

not like the usher song.
a few fun ones, followed by a real one.

1. these are the first of many.
2. i am what you could call a lady gaga HATER.
3. i cheat at sudoku frequently. it happens.
4. my favorite ben folds song is losing lisa, jesusland and bastard are tied for second.
5. i would rather people love me because i am passive than hate me for being honest. if i weren't extra nice, or attepmted to be funny, i would be invisible. not only that, but i would have nothing to offer people.

mr. pibb and red vines equals crazy delicious!

2009-05-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

today
i spent:
6 hours sleeping
4 hours downtown with ember
1.5 hours trying to figure out how i'm going to pay to move out
and 2 hours worrying about paying for college.
and THEN i remembered that i can't lose HOPE until i have 30 hours.
would you believe failing a class is helping me now?
LOVE the irony.

also:
spent an hour or so working our my finances for the summer.
all of the paperwork i've been putting off for weeks,
and i finish it in 60 minutes.
when i try, i can focus! thank goodness for that.

AND...this=love

postsecret

2009-05-23T19:28:00.001-07:00

always makes me cry.
no matter what.
i think it's because i'm not ever brave enough.

at peace

2009-05-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

all of the things my family has ever done has led me here.
my grandfather may not be the greatest example of family, but without him i wouldn't be here. if he would have stayed around, my dad would have gone to college, and he never would have met my mother. i'm so glad with my life right now! everything finally seems right again, and i can honestly thank God for all of it, the good and the bad.

oh, my God, shine Your light on us that we might live.

my grandfather

2009-05-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

so i found out today that my grandfather died on friday night. it's sad, don't get me wrong, but i can't feel anything about it. (the disclaimer for this blog entry)
anyway, when my dad was young, his father, william, walked out on my grandmother and his 3 brothers, kevin, john, and dick (who has down syndrome). he left maryland and them for a classy young lady named phyllis, and never looked back. my grandfather was a purple heart recipient and was badly injured during the korean war, so i guess i can take some pride in that. basically, the "michaels" were kis throw-away family, a bump in the road of his life on his way to phyllis and her greener pastures. i mean, he payed alimony or whatever, but a check is hardly consolation for a real father. because of that, my dad remianed just above the poverty line, ended up in the wrong crowd, and basically raised hell for a little while. by God's grace, he found my mom in the military, and he also found Christ. years later, he is a better man because of his experiences. back to grandfather, he married phyllis, who already had a son, phillip, from a previous marriage. that was his new family, and he clearly let us know it. my grandmother kept us updated about him, and we had what we called "bill sightings". here comes the epitome of ironic. a few years ago, we saw a car in traffic with maryland purple heart plates and vietnam vet stickers. it was my grandfather. he was in town, or so we thought, and we didn't know for how long. my grandma confirmed it, and we thought it was just a bizarre happening. then, my parents saw him in the grocery store. bill sighting #something. my family moved into a house in a neighborhood close to my old one, and we soon discovered that my grandfather lived around the corner from us, with phillip and his family. phyllis had divorced william, and taken him for all of his money (sound familiar??). phillip took him in, and it seemed that he was hoping for some of his military retirement. williams had lung cancer from years of smoking, and was on down to his last few years of life. one night while driving home from dinner, my dad pulled the car over and said "kids, let's go meet your grandfater." i was 18, and i met my blood grandfather for the first and last time in my life. i couldn't even pick his face out of a crowd if i needed to. he lived 2 minutes away, and he was a complete stranger. he didn't even want us; my dad, or his grandchildren. that just floors me. i had trick or treated at phillip's house several times and i never knew who was right behind the door. never knew.
this morning, my mom seemed kind of sad so i asked her if everything was ok.
mom: your grandfather died on friday in hospice.
me: which one? (i was afraid it was my other "grandpa", aka my mom's oldest brother, who i am ashamed to say i love infinitely more than my real grandfater)
mom: william
me: oh, how did you find out?
mom: doug called me and told me he read it in the obituaries (doug craig is one of my mom's attourney clients and friends, he regularly reads the obits looking for old friends)
me: oh wow
mom: yeah, we weren't listed as his survivors. phillip's family was.

i still can't believe that phillip had the tenacity to list his "family" as blood relation to my grandfather. he isn't even related to william, he was just the step-son. he doesn't share william's blood or last name even. that is a story for another time. the worst part of all of this? my mom had to tell my dad that his father passed away over Skype while he is in the bahamas on business.
i never knew how i would feel when this happened, but now i know that is honestly something i'm glad i don't have to worry about. this is something way beyond my realm of understanding and reasoning. i don't even know if he's in heaven. i guess i'll find out one day.
so here's to william michael, who died on may 15, 2009. i don't know his birthday, so i can't make an official memorium post, but i wish i would have known. maybe my life would be different.

so much has changed

2009-04-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

since the last time i blogged.
i'm no longer a history major, and i'm not going to be a teacher.
i can't stop listening to death cab for cutie,
and i usually can't sleep at night.
everything is different, and it's hard.
i'm sure most college age people face this conundrum, but i feel so lost.

on the subject of things i can never have...

2009-02-16T20:24:00.000-08:00

GAHHH
so ridiculous.

anyways, i'm just trusting that it will work out.
because i like you a little. :)

and i love this...

i close my eyes and i see you wrapped in a sheet of sleep,
as everyone's eyes age, your deep blue remains untouched,
an angel's finger tips touch the surface,
an ocean of the bluest saline,
having some trouble trying not to feel so broken hearted,
i'll give my sorrow wings so that it will fly away from me,
but the sky will be so jealous of your eyes,
i'll give my misery sails so that the wind will carry it away,
but the ocean will be so jealous of your eyes,
this time we have found each other, i was looking for you when i got lost...
as you wet my lips with yours the sun rolls in,
everything has become so bright that i cannot even see,
to find your hand, so that you can not leave,winter whispers up my back,
and swirls over your stomach,my heart racing like it was two years ago,
i'd give up with one touch and melt into you forever,
having some trouble trying not to feel so alone without you,
i'll wrap my arms around you rest my head on your shoulder,
and wet your back with my tears,can't seem to find a way to be happy,
your kiss comes to me again like it never left,
like my paralysis slips away at the touch of your lips,
because i've never felt, until i felt you,
i close my eyes and see us wrapped in a sheet of sleep,
to be yours and to have you forever,
letting go of so much and holding on to so little,
i make you a promise and open my hand,
i can wait for you to reach for me,
as i wet the ground with my tears

i can always find myself in old school showbread.

i forgotttt

2009-01-27T13:09:00.000-08:00

to blog sunday
and i was sooo busy yesterday trying to study
so here are two of my favorite things ever
to make up for it

AND this...

2009-01-24T21:00:00.000-08:00

blahh

2009-01-24T20:57:00.001-08:00

i'm sick
i really think i've developed asthma or something. no lie.
i'm listening to dave barnes, and watching the office.
i'm starting downtown owl by chuck klosterman,
i'll tell you how it is.
downtown tomorrow with the padre,
after LOTS of bed rest.
baking cookies for angela on monday :)

to make up for not blogging before

2009-01-24T00:10:00.001-08:00

here's one of my favorite songs ever

abilene by damien juardo

I fell in love with a girl of nineteen
A black-haired girl I called Abilene
Young girl, where's your husband?
Sadly, she replied, I do not have one
Then it's you I'll marry with your parents' permission
No fine sir, they will not let me marry
For I am a young girl
And you are a man without money
Then I'll come by your window
Tonight when they both will be sleeping
Outside your window in a carriage I will be waiting
They'll awake to find you gone
Open their eyes and think they're dreaming
And never did they think
That their Abilene would leave them
Now fine sir, where is it you shall take me?
Is it in the mountains high
Or is it the deep blue sea?

so much for that

2009-01-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

i started a blog yesterday, but i went to do my homework and forgot..so now i'm trying to make up for it.
here's what's up today:

i've been learning a lot from that guy, stephen. most people just know him from anberlin, but he also writes good blogs, and wrote an amazing novel. in his novel, the lead character, aiden, is introduced as a post-college barista with a fragile future, and after tragedy and facing the unknown, he finally realizes his purpose.
i think it's amazing to realize that anyone could be an aiden; people you run inti every day have secret pain and struggles that are never seen. it is our job to be jesus to them, i really don't care how that sounds, it's the most truthful thing i have thought of in a while.
so that's what i'm working on this week.

later resolutions

2009-01-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

I'm now resolving to blog every day.
We'll see how long this lasts...
more later today. :)

paper tigers

2009-01-10T21:23:00.000-08:00

so, lately i've had a lot of time to think...

and here's what's pouring out.

-anberlin was absolutely amazing. it was THE best live show i've ever been too, as well as the best anberlin show i've seen. they have truly outdone themselves. i'm kind of obsessed...haha but really, amazinggg job on their part. it's kind of funny, it was the first show where i didn't dress grungy, fight my way to the front, and worry about everyone else there. i really just enjoyed it. it was a nice perspective to have. another thing that made it better is the fact that i'm reading Stephen Christian's novel, and it's offering me such an incredible insight into their lyrics. he really love this one lady, christa paffgen (also known as nico), who was a german singer/dancer/model. she was the velvet underground, and was also a solo artist. she wrote a song called paper tigers, which was on the playlist for the novel. it's cool to see kind of an extension of your favorite musician's creative life. it's great to be able to completely appreciate the work of an artist. another amazing thing that happened was that Staphen Christian actually emailed me in a reply to an email i sent him about his blog. for the first time in a while, i actually like a band all encompassingly, instead of just pieces of the work.

-another thing coming up is a possible trip to new york with faceless international. i don't know very much, it's in new york city in july, and we would be teaching awareness of water privitization. more details to come.

-i finally finished my schedule for AASU, and i think i'm really beginning to fall into psychology.
i'm taking intro to psych, so i'm hoping i'll still love it in a few weeks...we'll see.

-from here, i feel like i have a great yea ahead.

"keep your head up, chin tiger."
-stephen christian

two thousand and nine

2009-01-01T18:28:00.001-08:00

2009 reasons to better myself.
but for now,
anberlin next week :)

not to be such a creeper, but they truly are my favorite band.
second only to common's resurrection, anberlin's cities is one of my favorite concept albums of all time. that may not mean much because i'm only 18, but to me, it's a lot.
their music means so much to me. i've loved them since i was 12, and i don't think i'll stop for a while...haha

but anyways, one song in particular from cities means a lot to me,
it's called hello alone.
the lyrics aren't really unordinary, that is as far as stephen christian's writing is concerned, but the last chorus almost always make me take a deep breath:

Is anybody out there?
Hello, hello
Broken hearts like promises
Are left for lesser knowns
Is anybody out there?
Alone, alone
From a lesser known I’m here
And there’s hope, there’s hope

those lines are so powerful to me,
especially the line, "from a lesser known, I'm here."
what is a lesser known, you may ask?
well, it's someone who just lives.
an unordinary person who has nothing better to do than simply existing.
they need to realize that "there's more to living than being alive."

after a brush with dramatic events over the past few years, listening to cities has truly inspired me to live, and to transcend the ordinary.
i'm not living for just myself anymore, and i know this life's not about me.

where i'm at pt. one

2008-11-28T22:10:00.000-08:00

it is so that my transgressions have born a withered fruit,
the sun has scorched the rising plans;
alas they have no root, the bleached bones of animals bound by leather strips,
dance through the air with laughter as i wield this wicked whip,
as you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
so easily i disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
and there you have come to me at the moment i bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow,
where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you?
and offer to wash my feet as i offer to disobey you,
your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully i award you with betrayal,
the weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
i lay in this field by Judas' bowels and anticipate the plow,
i can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would i fit Jesus?
what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than i've found to offer up as my plea,
Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end

gah.

2008-11-17T21:44:00.000-08:00

it's really sad when all i want to do is blog about how you make me crazy.
and you're being so immature.
try picking up your phone so it doesn't end like this.

i feel better.

college is killer.

2008-11-12T00:19:00.000-08:00

seriously. was this my idea?
i have a test in 7 hours, i'm on my second cup of coffee, and i'm DESPERATELY trying to finish reading the stupid world civ blogs. those effing things seem to be endless...and boring. history major...was that my idea too? dang, i must have been on something. as for right now, i'm trying to memorize arab names and dynasties...and the crusades...bleh.

i had my second small group meeting tonight at sam sco's, and i LOVELOVELOVE it. the girls are amazing, and the book were covering seems like it will be vital. :)
its amazing how many episodes of gossip girl i can watch when i'm studying...haha
it's another college thing, i find myself always having to have white noise to study by.

anyways, good night. two tests to go, and a paper to finish. yuck.
fun timesss this weekend though...scad film! i'm sooo excited.
you can call me the makeup mistress. and the costume mistress. and probably the coffee girl, depending on how things go.
then, SLEEP. i can't wait until i can do that again.

all right loves,
later. :)

you really did a number on me.

2008-11-09T22:58:00.000-08:00

these past few days have really made me think about...everything really.
basically, seeing you do this whole thing all over again had made me unlock all of these dormant feeling that i've been supressing.
so here it is, me laying it all out on the table:
**what you did reallyyy hurt me. i mean, the whole situation was new to me, and i had no idea how to react. even though we were supposably best friends before "it" happened, i felt, and still feel like i don't know you at all. it sucks a lot, and you handled it completely wrong. that's your bad.
**i can't shake this feeling; i think there's still things left unsaid, and i really want nothing more than to just have a balls out honest conversation about everything.
**and, seriously, the game is up, with me and everyone else you've been playing this whole time. if unloading lies is part of your new life, i don't want anything you have to offer.
basically, shut up and let me go...haha :) but seriously.

andddd thats pretty much it. it's just super frustrating, and i miss feeling close, but i can give it up if you don't want to be yourself anymore.

Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Some place I will never be

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go

I never had a Summer of 69
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?

If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I'd do it all so much better

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But you won't ever let me go

have fun with your boys. i'm done.

friend love

2008-10-31T23:56:00.000-07:00

this is an old lame thing i used to do on myspace, but i love doing it so i've kept it up...
anyways, i'm keeping this anonymous, but you know who you are :)

people i love.

1. you're my best friend, and i miss you hella a lot since you started school in atlanta. i miss our nighttime relient k drives, double whammys, and revving the engine in front of bikers...hahaha i didn't forget. i mostly miss having someone to talk to, and the unconditional attention that i receive when we hang out. i lurveee you. p.s. thanks for listening to all my dumb stories...oh wait, you haad to be there....bahaha.

2. what can i say, you're my best friend too...and my sister! i love you naked spooner. :)

3. girl, you are TOO amazing. you made me watch black christmas, and i'm still pretty scared of crazy people who make cookies out of their parents.,..ewww :/ but seriously, you were one of the people who made senior year more bearable, and i'm soooo glad we can still hang out every once in a while. even though you are like addicted to broadway, it's ok because i kind of am too...i love youuu :)

4. you are such a l[o]s[e]r, btw. and i miss you a lot. i hope living in flowery branch is getting easier, and the savannah girls haven't forgotten about you.

5. OH MAN. you are crazy, but you can be sooo much fun. you are one of the best most ridiculous people i have ever met, and i love how you can just do whatever. you're basically amazing, and i'm bummed i haven't seen you as much since i started school. i do miss you, and i definitely want to hit up a show soon. maybe we can make calls to underoath kid again or something... :)

6. as much as i'd hate to admit it, you have taught me a lot about myself. granted, this time last year i would've been perfectly happy to be indifferent to you, i miss the closeness of our former relationship. i'm sorry i was so scared of everything, and i'm super bummed that i was such a bad "girlfriend", and never called you...which is funny now but back then i guess i had a point to prove. anyways, i still care about you, and i still want to be besties again. were getting tacos next time i see you. please don't take anything that happened personally, it wasn't you, and a blog i wrote a few days ago can clear that up. ily :)

7. from one to another, you are freaking amazing. you ALWAYS make me laugh, and i can always talk to you. i love how approachable and amazing you are, and how totally into disney songs you are...haha but seriously, you have meant a lot to me for a long time, and i only wish i would've taken more chances before. now, were here and it's ok but i just wish i would've known then what i do now. here's to more [hopefully] shows, [hopefully] movies, and [definitely] mix tapes. you're incredible, so don't waste anymore time on that girl.

8. BFFL ily xoxo...thats all we ever say haha. you know who you are...and i almost forgot: your mom.

9. this is a 2-in-1 because you guys are twins..haha anyways i miss you guys sooooo much and i cant wait to see you. i'm glad you met so many new people, and i'm really glad we got to hang out at winter formal last year. lets pleaseee get sushi asap.

(this isn't prioritized, it's the order i can remember you guys in...haha sorry)

10. we aren't super close, but i still think you're awesome. i'm glad we hang out a little bit, even if it is with a lot of other people. again, i'm sorry if things have been weird or "quiet" or whatever, i promise it's a definitely a me thing, and you didn't do anything at all. thanks for seeing nick and norah with me...hahaha anyways i'm glad were ok now.

more to come later,,,promise. i would go on but it's 3:15 in the morning and i'm falling asleep...like right now...

some inspiration for you alll:
This far from home,
It doesn't feel as far when I know you're doing well.
Distance is what you make it.

[you to thank] [copeland]
g'nite :)

this time last year...

2008-10-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

basically this is the last year in a nutshell.

getting a lot off of my chest

2008-10-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

i find myself getting upset all the time over NOTHING
and i always look foward to leaving milledgeville and just going home.
one day, i sat down and pondered this, and realized what the problem was:
the problem is me....well duh but i have reasons...and they're not even good reasons.
here they are:

1. i have a huge chip on my shoulder all the time, and it's been there ever since summer of 2007. right before that summer, the person i felt i was the closest to got married and moved to tennessee. dori hauk was my discipleship pastor, and my mentor. i met with her once a week, usually 6:15 on wednesday mornings, at the starbucks on montgomery crossroads from 8th grade to 11th grade. during my junior year in high school, dori began to date an amazing man named rich. i KNEW they would get married, and i was so right. :) they made an amazing match. their wedding was beautiful, and i found myself crying thoughout the event. it was only when i began to wonder what the purpose of my tears was, and then i realized that it wasn't happiness, it was complete sadness. i feel almost immature calling her one of my best friends, but that is what she became to me. i was so torn between the security our relationship offered and an aching to be independent. i chose security and closed myself off to many people. it was only with the help of a few close friends and amazing young life leaders that i was able to pull myself out of the deep rut i found myself in. i felt completely buried beneath my life, and i would've traded some of the years i spent with dori to have her for my senior year of high school. 12th grade was the hardest, and it sucked bad. i hid behind a smile the whole time hoping that i would begin to feel good again. i never did, and i'm still suffering because of it. i felt guilty for a while because i felt almost betrayed, and wondered why she had so quickly decided to leave. i felt like it hurt me more because i took it so personally. on the rare occassion that i do see her, it's hard because i just want a little more one on one time. the real bummer was when i found out from my mom that she wouldn't make my graduation because she was going to Israel-a wedding gift from someone in the church-and that was the point where i felt so bad. i feel so selfish now because i've been so upset for so long and for no reason...it's good to talk about though because this has been seriously bringing me down for a while.

2. i feel completely out of place at school, and i wish only to find a place for myself to call home. in the process of finding home, i have become more of a recluse than i have been in a while. it makes it hard, but i'm beginning to get used the college thing.

3. i'm coming home next semester, to attend aasu and to work in savannah. my life is simpler when i am home, and the added stress of college seems to melt away when i'm with my friends and family.

4. a few weeks ago, i had plans to visit one of my young life leaders, laura sue. i couldn't because of a scholarship meeting at church in savannah, and had to cancel. i'm stilllll bummed about that, and i miss her a lot. i wish i could see her because she was really one of the only people who got me when i was in high school. she means a lot to me, and to everyone she came in contact with. she exudes warmth wherever she goes, and she truly loves people exactly the way they are. she is a true inspration, and i only wish i could see more of her. i <3 LSR. :)

anyways, i just wanted to express how i'm feeling right now because i'm having a hard time talking to people and this felt easier.

AND i'm sick so that sucks :(

today

2008-10-26T10:31:00.001-07:00

was great so far
:) :) :)
who knew?

<3

just let the waves roll over you and let it pass

2008-10-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

i looked back at my other blog from this time last year, and i've realized a few things.

1. stupid girls who act like 6 year olds have got to go
2. some people are for sure worth sticking with :)
3. no matter what you do, some people will always be around to remind you that you used to make RIDICULOUSLY bad choices.
4. leopards never change their spots...hahahaha but seriously some people never change (see thing #1 again...)
5. there are still people out there who are mostly amazing, and totally worth hanging out with, even if only for like an hour or two when you can squeeze it in.

basically, life is a little different now. i have some new things to face, and some old things that just won't seem to leave me alone.
AND i have a sinus infection...which suckssss. =/

anyhow, NOW i can get to the good stuff.
so there's this boy, and i kind of like him a little bit. i have for a while, but the timing was off. i thought i liked him before, but i was reallllly scared of a relationship for dumb reasons. now that i know what i want, it's basically too late...which also sucks, but i can only hope he sees me after i spent so long not seeing him. i was always looking for someone else...i found that someone, but they weren't for me. now, i know better.

thats my recent life in a nutshell.

i have two things to leave you with:

1. you were never invisible, i always saw you, and i always will. :)
2. "three words, eight letters, say them and i'm yours."
:) :) :)

alright. it's late, and i'm off to bed, and i'm watching the SUPER LAME "i'll always know what you did last summer"...haha

<3chLC

this is everything.

2008-09-27T23:20:00.000-07:00

"So, what's new?"

I've heard that question at least 20 times since I began Life:Phase 2, aka college. It's been a pleasant transition, fortunately enough, but is still full of road bumps and rough patches. I've met good friends, I have an awesome roommate, and my family has helped me to keep from going crazy in the midst of all this "change."

My time at good 'ole GCSU has been filled with many memorable moments already, and several moments of stress with a capitol S. However, it has given me time to watch new movies, check out new shows, and listen to lotssss of new music.
Here are the musical highlights:
Portugal and the Man
Minus the Bear
Breathe Carolina
Jose Gonzales
Ivoryline
and anything else I can get from the awesome people I've met thus far.

As far as movies go, my absolute new favorite is P.S. I Love You. I watched it right after a particularly rough day, and barely had a dry eye throughout the entire film. The soundtrack is amazing, the acting is good, and the story line is one for the decades. I laughed, I cries (a lot), and then I slept reallyyyyy well afterwards. Give me any story with an Irish musician madly in love and Harry Connick Jr., and you've got yourself a winner.

Oh, tv shows. There's hardly a night where I don't hang out with my roommate and watch some amazinggg shows. All I can say is Cappie & Casey, LC, Jim & Pam, and Chuck & Blair. I love them all. I have also rediscovered my love of Veronica Mars, and have been watching Season Two all weekend. Here are some highlights:
"Veronica: Hey dad, there's a Porsche outside that parked 4 inches into the fire zone. What do you say we have it clamped, you know, just for funsies? You grab the lawn chairs, I'll pop some popcorn...Seriously, you blow 100 grand on a car, I guess you think you can just park anywhere. I wonder if the sense of entitlement came standard...
Dean O'Dell: It did, and while were on the subject on entitlement, maybe one day you can parlay your complimentary $100,000 education into a lucrative career of you very own.
Keith: Uh, Veronica, why don't you go...
Veronica: Metriculate myself? Yes..."

I guess all that's left to say is this is everything.