getting a lot off of my chest

i find myself getting upset all the time over NOTHING
and i always look foward to leaving milledgeville and just going home.
one day, i sat down and pondered this, and realized what the problem was:
the problem is me....well duh but i have reasons...and they're not even good reasons.
here they are:

1. i have a huge chip on my shoulder all the time, and it's been there ever since summer of 2007. right before that summer, the person i felt i was the closest to got married and moved to tennessee. dori hauk was my discipleship pastor, and my mentor. i met with her once a week, usually 6:15 on wednesday mornings, at the starbucks on montgomery crossroads from 8th grade to 11th grade. during my junior year in high school, dori began to date an amazing man named rich. i KNEW they would get married, and i was so right. :) they made an amazing match. their wedding was beautiful, and i found myself crying thoughout the event. it was only when i began to wonder what the purpose of my tears was, and then i realized that it wasn't happiness, it was complete sadness. i feel almost immature calling her one of my best friends, but that is what she became to me. i was so torn between the security our relationship offered and an aching to be independent. i chose security and closed myself off to many people. it was only with the help of a few close friends and amazing young life leaders that i was able to pull myself out of the deep rut i found myself in. i felt completely buried beneath my life, and i would've traded some of the years i spent with dori to have her for my senior year of high school. 12th grade was the hardest, and it sucked bad. i hid behind a smile the whole time hoping that i would begin to feel good again. i never did, and i'm still suffering because of it. i felt guilty for a while because i felt almost betrayed, and wondered why she had so quickly decided to leave. i felt like it hurt me more because i took it so personally. on the rare occassion that i do see her, it's hard because i just want a little more one on one time. the real bummer was when i found out from my mom that she wouldn't make my graduation because she was going to Israel-a wedding gift from someone in the church-and that was the point where i felt so bad. i feel so selfish now because i've been so upset for so long and for no reason...it's good to talk about though because this has been seriously bringing me down for a while.

2. i feel completely out of place at school, and i wish only to find a place for myself to call home. in the process of finding home, i have become more of a recluse than i have been in a while. it makes it hard, but i'm beginning to get used the college thing.

3. i'm coming home next semester, to attend aasu and to work in savannah. my life is simpler when i am home, and the added stress of college seems to melt away when i'm with my friends and family.

4. a few weeks ago, i had plans to visit one of my young life leaders, laura sue. i couldn't because of a scholarship meeting at church in savannah, and had to cancel. i'm stilllll bummed about that, and i miss her a lot. i wish i could see her because she was really one of the only people who got me when i was in high school. she means a lot to me, and to everyone she came in contact with. she exudes warmth wherever she goes, and she truly loves people exactly the way they are. she is a true inspration, and i only wish i could see more of her. i <3 LSR. :)

anyways, i just wanted to express how i'm feeling right now because i'm having a hard time talking to people and this felt easier.

AND i'm sick so that sucks :(