where i'm at pt. one

it is so that my transgressions have born a withered fruit,
the sun has scorched the rising plans;
alas they have no root, the bleached bones of animals bound by leather strips,
dance through the air with laughter as i wield this wicked whip,
as you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
so easily i disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
and there you have come to me at the moment i bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow,
where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you?
and offer to wash my feet as i offer to disobey you,
your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully i award you with betrayal,
the weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
i lay in this field by Judas' bowels and anticipate the plow,
i can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would i fit Jesus?
what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than i've found to offer up as my plea,
Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end

gah.

it's really sad when all i want to do is blog about how you make me crazy.
and you're being so immature.
try picking up your phone so it doesn't end like this.


i feel better.

college is killer.

seriously. was this my idea?
i have a test in 7 hours, i'm on my second cup of coffee, and i'm DESPERATELY trying to finish reading the stupid world civ blogs. those effing things seem to be endless...and boring. history major...was that my idea too? dang, i must have been on something. as for right now, i'm trying to memorize arab names and dynasties...and the crusades...bleh.

i had my second small group meeting tonight at sam sco's, and i LOVELOVELOVE it. the girls are amazing, and the book were covering seems like it will be vital. :)
its amazing how many episodes of gossip girl i can watch when i'm studying...haha
it's another college thing, i find myself always having to have white noise to study by.

anyways, good night. two tests to go, and a paper to finish. yuck.
fun timesss this weekend though...scad film! i'm sooo excited.
you can call me the makeup mistress. and the costume mistress. and probably the coffee girl, depending on how things go.
then, SLEEP. i can't wait until i can do that again.

all right loves,
later. :)

you really did a number on me.

these past few days have really made me think about...everything really.
basically, seeing you do this whole thing all over again had made me unlock all of these dormant feeling that i've been supressing.
so here it is, me laying it all out on the table:
**what you did reallyyy hurt me. i mean, the whole situation was new to me, and i had no idea how to react. even though we were supposably best friends before "it" happened, i felt, and still feel like i don't know you at all. it sucks a lot, and you handled it completely wrong. that's your bad.
**i can't shake this feeling; i think there's still things left unsaid, and i really want nothing more than to just have a balls out honest conversation about everything.
**and, seriously, the game is up, with me and everyone else you've been playing this whole time. if unloading lies is part of your new life, i don't want anything you have to offer.
basically, shut up and let me go...haha :) but seriously.

andddd thats pretty much it. it's just super frustrating, and i miss feeling close, but i can give it up if you don't want to be yourself anymore.

Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Some place I will never be

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go

I never had a Summer of 69
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?

If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I'd do it all so much better

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But you won't ever let me go


have fun with your boys. i'm done.

friend love

this is an old lame thing i used to do on myspace, but i love doing it so i've kept it up...
anyways, i'm keeping this anonymous, but you know who you are :)

people i love.

1. you're my best friend, and i miss you hella a lot since you started school in atlanta. i miss our nighttime relient k drives, double whammys, and revving the engine in front of bikers...hahaha i didn't forget. i mostly miss having someone to talk to, and the unconditional attention that i receive when we hang out. i lurveee you. p.s. thanks for listening to all my dumb stories...oh wait, you haad to be there....bahaha.

2. what can i say, you're my best friend too...and my sister! i love you naked spooner. :)

3. girl, you are TOO amazing. you made me watch black christmas, and i'm still pretty scared of crazy people who make cookies out of their parents.,..ewww :/ but seriously, you were one of the people who made senior year more bearable, and i'm soooo glad we can still hang out every once in a while. even though you are like addicted to broadway, it's ok because i kind of am too...i love youuu :)

4. you are such a l[o]s[e]r, btw. and i miss you a lot. i hope living in flowery branch is getting easier, and the savannah girls haven't forgotten about you.

5. OH MAN. you are crazy, but you can be sooo much fun. you are one of the best most ridiculous people i have ever met, and i love how you can just do whatever. you're basically amazing, and i'm bummed i haven't seen you as much since i started school. i do miss you, and i definitely want to hit up a show soon. maybe we can make calls to underoath kid again or something... :)

6. as much as i'd hate to admit it, you have taught me a lot about myself. granted, this time last year i would've been perfectly happy to be indifferent to you, i miss the closeness of our former relationship. i'm sorry i was so scared of everything, and i'm super bummed that i was such a bad "girlfriend", and never called you...which is funny now but back then i guess i had a point to prove. anyways, i still care about you, and i still want to be besties again. were getting tacos next time i see you. please don't take anything that happened personally, it wasn't you, and a blog i wrote a few days ago can clear that up. ily :)

7. from one to another, you are freaking amazing. you ALWAYS make me laugh, and i can always talk to you. i love how approachable and amazing you are, and how totally into disney songs you are...haha but seriously, you have meant a lot to me for a long time, and i only wish i would've taken more chances before. now, were here and it's ok but i just wish i would've known then what i do now. here's to more [hopefully] shows, [hopefully] movies, and [definitely] mix tapes. you're incredible, so don't waste anymore time on that girl.

8. BFFL ily xoxo...thats all we ever say haha. you know who you are...and i almost forgot: your mom.

9. this is a 2-in-1 because you guys are twins..haha anyways i miss you guys sooooo much and i cant wait to see you. i'm glad you met so many new people, and i'm really glad we got to hang out at winter formal last year. lets pleaseee get sushi asap.

(this isn't prioritized, it's the order i can remember you guys in...haha sorry)

10. we aren't super close, but i still think you're awesome. i'm glad we hang out a little bit, even if it is with a lot of other people. again, i'm sorry if things have been weird or "quiet" or whatever, i promise it's a definitely a me thing, and you didn't do anything at all. thanks for seeing nick and norah with me...hahaha anyways i'm glad were ok now.

more to come later,,,promise. i would go on but it's 3:15 in the morning and i'm falling asleep...like right now...

some inspiration for you alll:
This far from home,
It doesn't feel as far when I know you're doing well.
Distance is what you make it.

[you to thank] [copeland]
g'nite :)

this time last year...

basically this is the last year in a nutshell.

getting a lot off of my chest

i find myself getting upset all the time over NOTHING
and i always look foward to leaving milledgeville and just going home.
one day, i sat down and pondered this, and realized what the problem was:
the problem is me....well duh but i have reasons...and they're not even good reasons.
here they are:

1. i have a huge chip on my shoulder all the time, and it's been there ever since summer of 2007. right before that summer, the person i felt i was the closest to got married and moved to tennessee. dori hauk was my discipleship pastor, and my mentor. i met with her once a week, usually 6:15 on wednesday mornings, at the starbucks on montgomery crossroads from 8th grade to 11th grade. during my junior year in high school, dori began to date an amazing man named rich. i KNEW they would get married, and i was so right. :) they made an amazing match. their wedding was beautiful, and i found myself crying thoughout the event. it was only when i began to wonder what the purpose of my tears was, and then i realized that it wasn't happiness, it was complete sadness. i feel almost immature calling her one of my best friends, but that is what she became to me. i was so torn between the security our relationship offered and an aching to be independent. i chose security and closed myself off to many people. it was only with the help of a few close friends and amazing young life leaders that i was able to pull myself out of the deep rut i found myself in. i felt completely buried beneath my life, and i would've traded some of the years i spent with dori to have her for my senior year of high school. 12th grade was the hardest, and it sucked bad. i hid behind a smile the whole time hoping that i would begin to feel good again. i never did, and i'm still suffering because of it. i felt guilty for a while because i felt almost betrayed, and wondered why she had so quickly decided to leave. i felt like it hurt me more because i took it so personally. on the rare occassion that i do see her, it's hard because i just want a little more one on one time. the real bummer was when i found out from my mom that she wouldn't make my graduation because she was going to Israel-a wedding gift from someone in the church-and that was the point where i felt so bad. i feel so selfish now because i've been so upset for so long and for no reason...it's good to talk about though because this has been seriously bringing me down for a while.

2. i feel completely out of place at school, and i wish only to find a place for myself to call home. in the process of finding home, i have become more of a recluse than i have been in a while. it makes it hard, but i'm beginning to get used the college thing.

3. i'm coming home next semester, to attend aasu and to work in savannah. my life is simpler when i am home, and the added stress of college seems to melt away when i'm with my friends and family.

4. a few weeks ago, i had plans to visit one of my young life leaders, laura sue. i couldn't because of a scholarship meeting at church in savannah, and had to cancel. i'm stilllll bummed about that, and i miss her a lot. i wish i could see her because she was really one of the only people who got me when i was in high school. she means a lot to me, and to everyone she came in contact with. she exudes warmth wherever she goes, and she truly loves people exactly the way they are. she is a true inspration, and i only wish i could see more of her. i <3 LSR. :)

anyways, i just wanted to express how i'm feeling right now because i'm having a hard time talking to people and this felt easier.

AND i'm sick so that sucks :(

today

was great so far
:) :) :)
who knew?

<3

just let the waves roll over you and let it pass

i looked back at my other blog from this time last year, and i've realized a few things.

1. stupid girls who act like 6 year olds have got to go
2. some people are for sure worth sticking with :)
3. no matter what you do, some people will always be around to remind you that you used to make RIDICULOUSLY bad choices.
4. leopards never change their spots...hahahaha but seriously some people never change (see thing #1 again...)
5. there are still people out there who are mostly amazing, and totally worth hanging out with, even if only for like an hour or two when you can squeeze it in.


basically, life is a little different now. i have some new things to face, and some old things that just won't seem to leave me alone.
AND i have a sinus infection...which suckssss. =/

anyhow, NOW i can get to the good stuff.
so there's this boy, and i kind of like him a little bit. i have for a while, but the timing was off. i thought i liked him before, but i was reallllly scared of a relationship for dumb reasons. now that i know what i want, it's basically too late...which also sucks, but i can only hope he sees me after i spent so long not seeing him. i was always looking for someone else...i found that someone, but they weren't for me. now, i know better.

thats my recent life in a nutshell.

i have two things to leave you with:

1. you were never invisible, i always saw you, and i always will. :)
2. "three words, eight letters, say them and i'm yours."
:) :) :)

alright. it's late, and i'm off to bed, and i'm watching the SUPER LAME "i'll always know what you did last summer"...haha

<3chLC

this is everything.

"So, what's new?"

I've heard that question at least 20 times since I began Life:Phase 2, aka college. It's been a pleasant transition, fortunately enough, but is still full of road bumps and rough patches. I've met good friends, I have an awesome roommate, and my family has helped me to keep from going crazy in the midst of all this "change."

My time at good 'ole GCSU has been filled with many memorable moments already, and several moments of stress with a capitol S. However, it has given me time to watch new movies, check out new shows, and listen to lotssss of new music.
Here are the musical highlights:
Portugal and the Man
Minus the Bear
Breathe Carolina
Jose Gonzales
Ivoryline
and anything else I can get from the awesome people I've met thus far.

As far as movies go, my absolute new favorite is P.S. I Love You. I watched it right after a particularly rough day, and barely had a dry eye throughout the entire film. The soundtrack is amazing, the acting is good, and the story line is one for the decades. I laughed, I cries (a lot), and then I slept reallyyyyy well afterwards. Give me any story with an Irish musician madly in love and Harry Connick Jr., and you've got yourself a winner.

Oh, tv shows. There's hardly a night where I don't hang out with my roommate and watch some amazinggg shows. All I can say is Cappie & Casey, LC, Jim & Pam, and Chuck & Blair. I love them all. I have also rediscovered my love of Veronica Mars, and have been watching Season Two all weekend. Here are some highlights:
"Veronica: Hey dad, there's a Porsche outside that parked 4 inches into the fire zone. What do you say we have it clamped, you know, just for funsies? You grab the lawn chairs, I'll pop some popcorn...Seriously, you blow 100 grand on a car, I guess you think you can just park anywhere. I wonder if the sense of entitlement came standard...
Dean O'Dell: It did, and while were on the subject on entitlement, maybe one day you can parlay your complimentary $100,000 education into a lucrative career of you very own.
Keith: Uh, Veronica, why don't you go...
Veronica: Metriculate myself? Yes..."

I guess all that's left to say is this is everything.