2. i'm changing my major to spite my advisor
3. i haven't slept before midnight in 3 weeks
4. i don't know if all this is worth it. i'm playing for keeps.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
confessions part 2
1. i am now a huge orlando fan, and dwight howard is my hero.
2. i'm changing my major to spite my advisor
3. i haven't slept before midnight in 3 weeks
4. i don't know if all this is worth it. i'm playing for keeps.
2. i'm changing my major to spite my advisor
3. i haven't slept before midnight in 3 weeks
4. i don't know if all this is worth it. i'm playing for keeps.
Friday, May 29, 2009
an excerpt from what i've been doing at night for the past 2 weeks.
(i've started writing a "novel" of sorts, which seems more like glorified journal entries about my life's "list", or all the things that have made me. here's #8, life goal #1, which should be read while listening to albertine by brooke fraser.)
#8 on my list/Life Goal #1/Brooke Fraser-Albertine
I’ve never ever wanted to be a teacher. I settled on it because it was the closest thing I could find to being a youth pastor. God has given me a heart, and I believe that He wants me to give it to high school students. I frequently visit my sister in school so I can socialize with high school kids. During my brief time in Young Life, I literally could not be happier. I loved going to musicals, soccer games, art exhibits, all in hopes that I could pour myself into one or two girls the way my mentor had done for me in high school. (she’s on the list too, but closer to #1, you’ll learn more about her later) I managed to connect with a few girls, some while I was still in high school, and a few afterwards. I know playing favorites is sinful, but my favorites were Rachel, Lisa, Michelle, and my sisters friends Caitlin, Jordan, and Anna. Rachel was this amazingly hip indie girl who is the most amazing girl I’ve met thus far in my life. By age 17, she had a belly ring, an industrial, and size 00 gauges. She had a great haircut. More than anything, she loved God, and she could care less about anything else. To her, anything else was irrelevant. She loved Gossip Girl, lavender ice cream, and cigarettes after sunset. She was my ministry for a while. While I was getting to know Rachel, Lisa came into my life. Lisa was awesome. She loved LOVED Chuck Klosterman, Manchester Orchestra, and bubble tea. She was everything I wish I would have been at her age. She knew what she wanted out of life, and she cut through all the crap everyone threw at her. She was smart, funny, and love was her religion. And then there was the girl I had known the longest, Michelle. Michelle was amazing, and was one of my first close friends in high school. Even though she was a year younger than me, I felt like we clicked the most.
All of my sisters’ friend will have their own chapter. All you need to know is they were great.
When I found out I wouldn’t be able to become a Young Life leader, I began volunteering at the Blitz junior high ministry at my church. At first I just made smoothies, then I began to lead a small group of amazing 7th grade girls. They certainly kept me in line, and I did the same for them. This is where I realized that I would be happy wherever I was as long as I was with kids at church. It could be anywhere. One night, I had a dream I was in Africa, and I woke up and changed my major. It wasn’t a drastic change, history to political science, but my end goal was to be a missionary. I love God so much, and I want to love people just as much. One of my favorite worship songs illustrates this perfectly. It went, “Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love as You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your kingdoms cause.”
Another song that totally goes there was written by an Aussie named Brooke Fraser, who also sang the aforementioned worship song. She penned “Albertine” after mission work. My favorite line goes like this: “Now that I have seen, I am responsible, faith without deeds is dead.” That’s it, in it’s most basic form. I’m thinking of just getting that printed on a business card along with my name and twitter url. I mean, all of the most vital information about my existence would literally be on one card. How convenient, right?
#8 on my list/Life Goal #1/Brooke Fraser-Albertine
I’ve never ever wanted to be a teacher. I settled on it because it was the closest thing I could find to being a youth pastor. God has given me a heart, and I believe that He wants me to give it to high school students. I frequently visit my sister in school so I can socialize with high school kids. During my brief time in Young Life, I literally could not be happier. I loved going to musicals, soccer games, art exhibits, all in hopes that I could pour myself into one or two girls the way my mentor had done for me in high school. (she’s on the list too, but closer to #1, you’ll learn more about her later) I managed to connect with a few girls, some while I was still in high school, and a few afterwards. I know playing favorites is sinful, but my favorites were Rachel, Lisa, Michelle, and my sisters friends Caitlin, Jordan, and Anna. Rachel was this amazingly hip indie girl who is the most amazing girl I’ve met thus far in my life. By age 17, she had a belly ring, an industrial, and size 00 gauges. She had a great haircut. More than anything, she loved God, and she could care less about anything else. To her, anything else was irrelevant. She loved Gossip Girl, lavender ice cream, and cigarettes after sunset. She was my ministry for a while. While I was getting to know Rachel, Lisa came into my life. Lisa was awesome. She loved LOVED Chuck Klosterman, Manchester Orchestra, and bubble tea. She was everything I wish I would have been at her age. She knew what she wanted out of life, and she cut through all the crap everyone threw at her. She was smart, funny, and love was her religion. And then there was the girl I had known the longest, Michelle. Michelle was amazing, and was one of my first close friends in high school. Even though she was a year younger than me, I felt like we clicked the most.
All of my sisters’ friend will have their own chapter. All you need to know is they were great.
When I found out I wouldn’t be able to become a Young Life leader, I began volunteering at the Blitz junior high ministry at my church. At first I just made smoothies, then I began to lead a small group of amazing 7th grade girls. They certainly kept me in line, and I did the same for them. This is where I realized that I would be happy wherever I was as long as I was with kids at church. It could be anywhere. One night, I had a dream I was in Africa, and I woke up and changed my major. It wasn’t a drastic change, history to political science, but my end goal was to be a missionary. I love God so much, and I want to love people just as much. One of my favorite worship songs illustrates this perfectly. It went, “Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love as You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your kingdoms cause.”
Another song that totally goes there was written by an Aussie named Brooke Fraser, who also sang the aforementioned worship song. She penned “Albertine” after mission work. My favorite line goes like this: “Now that I have seen, I am responsible, faith without deeds is dead.” That’s it, in it’s most basic form. I’m thinking of just getting that printed on a business card along with my name and twitter url. I mean, all of the most vital information about my existence would literally be on one card. How convenient, right?
confessions part one
not like the usher song.
a few fun ones, followed by a real one.
1. these are the first of many.
2. i am what you could call a lady gaga HATER.
3. i cheat at sudoku frequently. it happens.
4. my favorite ben folds song is losing lisa, jesusland and bastard are tied for second.
5. i would rather people love me because i am passive than hate me for being honest. if i weren't extra nice, or attepmted to be funny, i would be invisible. not only that, but i would have nothing to offer people.
a few fun ones, followed by a real one.
1. these are the first of many.
2. i am what you could call a lady gaga HATER.
3. i cheat at sudoku frequently. it happens.
4. my favorite ben folds song is losing lisa, jesusland and bastard are tied for second.
5. i would rather people love me because i am passive than hate me for being honest. if i weren't extra nice, or attepmted to be funny, i would be invisible. not only that, but i would have nothing to offer people.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
mr. pibb and red vines equals crazy delicious!
today
i spent:
6 hours sleeping
4 hours downtown with ember
1.5 hours trying to figure out how i'm going to pay to move out
and 2 hours worrying about paying for college.
and THEN i remembered that i can't lose HOPE until i have 30 hours.
would you believe failing a class is helping me now?
LOVE the irony.
also:
spent an hour or so working our my finances for the summer.
all of the paperwork i've been putting off for weeks,
and i finish it in 60 minutes.
when i try, i can focus! thank goodness for that.
AND...this=love
i spent:
6 hours sleeping
4 hours downtown with ember
1.5 hours trying to figure out how i'm going to pay to move out
and 2 hours worrying about paying for college.
and THEN i remembered that i can't lose HOPE until i have 30 hours.
would you believe failing a class is helping me now?
LOVE the irony.
also:
spent an hour or so working our my finances for the summer.
all of the paperwork i've been putting off for weeks,
and i finish it in 60 minutes.
when i try, i can focus! thank goodness for that.
AND...this=love
Thursday, May 21, 2009
at peace
all of the things my family has ever done has led me here.
my grandfather may not be the greatest example of family, but without him i wouldn't be here. if he would have stayed around, my dad would have gone to college, and he never would have met my mother. i'm so glad with my life right now! everything finally seems right again, and i can honestly thank God for all of it, the good and the bad.
oh, my God, shine Your light on us that we might live.
my grandfather may not be the greatest example of family, but without him i wouldn't be here. if he would have stayed around, my dad would have gone to college, and he never would have met my mother. i'm so glad with my life right now! everything finally seems right again, and i can honestly thank God for all of it, the good and the bad.
oh, my God, shine Your light on us that we might live.
Monday, May 18, 2009
my grandfather
so i found out today that my grandfather died on friday night. it's sad, don't get me wrong, but i can't feel anything about it. (the disclaimer for this blog entry)
anyway, when my dad was young, his father, william, walked out on my grandmother and his 3 brothers, kevin, john, and dick (who has down syndrome). he left maryland and them for a classy young lady named phyllis, and never looked back. my grandfather was a purple heart recipient and was badly injured during the korean war, so i guess i can take some pride in that. basically, the "michaels" were kis throw-away family, a bump in the road of his life on his way to phyllis and her greener pastures. i mean, he payed alimony or whatever, but a check is hardly consolation for a real father. because of that, my dad remianed just above the poverty line, ended up in the wrong crowd, and basically raised hell for a little while. by God's grace, he found my mom in the military, and he also found Christ. years later, he is a better man because of his experiences. back to grandfather, he married phyllis, who already had a son, phillip, from a previous marriage. that was his new family, and he clearly let us know it. my grandmother kept us updated about him, and we had what we called "bill sightings". here comes the epitome of ironic. a few years ago, we saw a car in traffic with maryland purple heart plates and vietnam vet stickers. it was my grandfather. he was in town, or so we thought, and we didn't know for how long. my grandma confirmed it, and we thought it was just a bizarre happening. then, my parents saw him in the grocery store. bill sighting #something. my family moved into a house in a neighborhood close to my old one, and we soon discovered that my grandfather lived around the corner from us, with phillip and his family. phyllis had divorced william, and taken him for all of his money (sound familiar??). phillip took him in, and it seemed that he was hoping for some of his military retirement. williams had lung cancer from years of smoking, and was on down to his last few years of life. one night while driving home from dinner, my dad pulled the car over and said "kids, let's go meet your grandfater." i was 18, and i met my blood grandfather for the first and last time in my life. i couldn't even pick his face out of a crowd if i needed to. he lived 2 minutes away, and he was a complete stranger. he didn't even want us; my dad, or his grandchildren. that just floors me. i had trick or treated at phillip's house several times and i never knew who was right behind the door. never knew.
this morning, my mom seemed kind of sad so i asked her if everything was ok.
mom: your grandfather died on friday in hospice.
me: which one? (i was afraid it was my other "grandpa", aka my mom's oldest brother, who i am ashamed to say i love infinitely more than my real grandfater)
mom: william
me: oh, how did you find out?
mom: doug called me and told me he read it in the obituaries (doug craig is one of my mom's attourney clients and friends, he regularly reads the obits looking for old friends)
me: oh wow
mom: yeah, we weren't listed as his survivors. phillip's family was.
i still can't believe that phillip had the tenacity to list his "family" as blood relation to my grandfather. he isn't even related to william, he was just the step-son. he doesn't share william's blood or last name even. that is a story for another time. the worst part of all of this? my mom had to tell my dad that his father passed away over Skype while he is in the bahamas on business.
i never knew how i would feel when this happened, but now i know that is honestly something i'm glad i don't have to worry about. this is something way beyond my realm of understanding and reasoning. i don't even know if he's in heaven. i guess i'll find out one day.
so here's to william michael, who died on may 15, 2009. i don't know his birthday, so i can't make an official memorium post, but i wish i would have known. maybe my life would be different.
anyway, when my dad was young, his father, william, walked out on my grandmother and his 3 brothers, kevin, john, and dick (who has down syndrome). he left maryland and them for a classy young lady named phyllis, and never looked back. my grandfather was a purple heart recipient and was badly injured during the korean war, so i guess i can take some pride in that. basically, the "michaels" were kis throw-away family, a bump in the road of his life on his way to phyllis and her greener pastures. i mean, he payed alimony or whatever, but a check is hardly consolation for a real father. because of that, my dad remianed just above the poverty line, ended up in the wrong crowd, and basically raised hell for a little while. by God's grace, he found my mom in the military, and he also found Christ. years later, he is a better man because of his experiences. back to grandfather, he married phyllis, who already had a son, phillip, from a previous marriage. that was his new family, and he clearly let us know it. my grandmother kept us updated about him, and we had what we called "bill sightings". here comes the epitome of ironic. a few years ago, we saw a car in traffic with maryland purple heart plates and vietnam vet stickers. it was my grandfather. he was in town, or so we thought, and we didn't know for how long. my grandma confirmed it, and we thought it was just a bizarre happening. then, my parents saw him in the grocery store. bill sighting #something. my family moved into a house in a neighborhood close to my old one, and we soon discovered that my grandfather lived around the corner from us, with phillip and his family. phyllis had divorced william, and taken him for all of his money (sound familiar??). phillip took him in, and it seemed that he was hoping for some of his military retirement. williams had lung cancer from years of smoking, and was on down to his last few years of life. one night while driving home from dinner, my dad pulled the car over and said "kids, let's go meet your grandfater." i was 18, and i met my blood grandfather for the first and last time in my life. i couldn't even pick his face out of a crowd if i needed to. he lived 2 minutes away, and he was a complete stranger. he didn't even want us; my dad, or his grandchildren. that just floors me. i had trick or treated at phillip's house several times and i never knew who was right behind the door. never knew.
this morning, my mom seemed kind of sad so i asked her if everything was ok.
mom: your grandfather died on friday in hospice.
me: which one? (i was afraid it was my other "grandpa", aka my mom's oldest brother, who i am ashamed to say i love infinitely more than my real grandfater)
mom: william
me: oh, how did you find out?
mom: doug called me and told me he read it in the obituaries (doug craig is one of my mom's attourney clients and friends, he regularly reads the obits looking for old friends)
me: oh wow
mom: yeah, we weren't listed as his survivors. phillip's family was.
i still can't believe that phillip had the tenacity to list his "family" as blood relation to my grandfather. he isn't even related to william, he was just the step-son. he doesn't share william's blood or last name even. that is a story for another time. the worst part of all of this? my mom had to tell my dad that his father passed away over Skype while he is in the bahamas on business.
i never knew how i would feel when this happened, but now i know that is honestly something i'm glad i don't have to worry about. this is something way beyond my realm of understanding and reasoning. i don't even know if he's in heaven. i guess i'll find out one day.
so here's to william michael, who died on may 15, 2009. i don't know his birthday, so i can't make an official memorium post, but i wish i would have known. maybe my life would be different.
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