where i'm at pt. one

it is so that my transgressions have born a withered fruit,
the sun has scorched the rising plans;
alas they have no root, the bleached bones of animals bound by leather strips,
dance through the air with laughter as i wield this wicked whip,
as you did warn me carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
so easily i disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
and there you have come to me at the moment i bathe in my sorrow,
so in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow,
where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you?
and offer to wash my feet as i offer to disobey you,
your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
so faithfully and dutifully i award you with betrayal,
the weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
i lay in this field by Judas' bowels and anticipate the plow,
i can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would i fit Jesus?
what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than i've found to offer up as my plea,
Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end

gah.

it's really sad when all i want to do is blog about how you make me crazy.
and you're being so immature.
try picking up your phone so it doesn't end like this.


i feel better.

college is killer.

seriously. was this my idea?
i have a test in 7 hours, i'm on my second cup of coffee, and i'm DESPERATELY trying to finish reading the stupid world civ blogs. those effing things seem to be endless...and boring. history major...was that my idea too? dang, i must have been on something. as for right now, i'm trying to memorize arab names and dynasties...and the crusades...bleh.

i had my second small group meeting tonight at sam sco's, and i LOVELOVELOVE it. the girls are amazing, and the book were covering seems like it will be vital. :)
its amazing how many episodes of gossip girl i can watch when i'm studying...haha
it's another college thing, i find myself always having to have white noise to study by.

anyways, good night. two tests to go, and a paper to finish. yuck.
fun timesss this weekend though...scad film! i'm sooo excited.
you can call me the makeup mistress. and the costume mistress. and probably the coffee girl, depending on how things go.
then, SLEEP. i can't wait until i can do that again.

all right loves,
later. :)

you really did a number on me.

these past few days have really made me think about...everything really.
basically, seeing you do this whole thing all over again had made me unlock all of these dormant feeling that i've been supressing.
so here it is, me laying it all out on the table:
**what you did reallyyy hurt me. i mean, the whole situation was new to me, and i had no idea how to react. even though we were supposably best friends before "it" happened, i felt, and still feel like i don't know you at all. it sucks a lot, and you handled it completely wrong. that's your bad.
**i can't shake this feeling; i think there's still things left unsaid, and i really want nothing more than to just have a balls out honest conversation about everything.
**and, seriously, the game is up, with me and everyone else you've been playing this whole time. if unloading lies is part of your new life, i don't want anything you have to offer.
basically, shut up and let me go...haha :) but seriously.

andddd thats pretty much it. it's just super frustrating, and i miss feeling close, but i can give it up if you don't want to be yourself anymore.

Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for
Some place I will never be

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go

I never had a Summer of 69
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?

If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I'd do it all so much better

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But you won't ever let me go


have fun with your boys. i'm done.